“There are only two tragedies in life. One is not getting what you want. The other is getting it.” -Oscar Wilde
I couldn’t tell you one thing that Oscar Wilde has written, but the man has some poignant quotes.
A common conversation in my friend group involves the latter tragedy. It’s a fortunate position to finally have some control over our lives, to know that we’re able to make money and support ourselves. This was the Holy Grail throughout much of our 20s: moderate affluence, sustainable income, and jobs we didn’t completely hate. And yet, now that we’re going three-for-three, there’s still a lingering sense of discontent. And it doesn’t necessarily make sense.
After all, how could we complain? We’re objectively well-off, especially compared with our previous situations! But perhaps it’s because of our good fortune that we’re left wondering, “is this all there is?” When you’re in the middle of financial stress, and career uncertainty, you’re faced with a very specific problem to solve. Get a better job. But once you have it, the urgency fades away, along with the motivation and purpose it provided.
It’s a bit of a letdown.
For a long time, I think I’d been telling myself, “I’ll be happy when…” Only to find out that happiness doesn’t come solely from solving the practical questions of life. In fact, once you create some flexibility for yourself, you see how subjective and limitless life really is. There’s no right answer, no inherent meaning. Life is what you make it.
That’s both liberating and terrifying. And either way, it opens a whole new set of issues. Like how to be happy, how to have a good relationship, how to create a better life. In other words, “who am I, and what do I do now?”
Having better options for your life doesn’t make that easier to answer. In fact, the wider your opportunity set, the harder it is to make decisions about how to move forward. The limit has shifted away from “what CAN I do,” towards, “what do I WANT to do.”
To answer that, you need to be clear on who you are, what your values are. It’s nice to have a little bit of extra money to help with figuring that out. One way is by spending money on a variety of experiences and seeing what strikes you as enjoyable and meaningful. Another way is counseling. There’s also self-help books and podcasts, travel, and enjoying art.
Addressing this “who am I” problem doesn’t have to be expensive. But it can’t be ignored. And I think that’s what some of my friends and I have stumbled upon. We don’t know ourselves as well as we thought we did.
Because of that, life also won’t require any less courage than it did before. While some people will see that as a negative, I’m kind of glad for it. Because if life no longer required courage, I’m not sure what would be left for me to do. This is a great time for anyone to start, or accelerate this “learning about yourself” process.