I spoke recently with a woman who is a former Wiccan (ie, she practiced witchcraft). I was curious what that meant, and to what degree there was a helpful spirituality underlying the occult rituals. Surprisingly, Wiccans actually do hold ceremonies and cast spells. I thought it might have been an exaggeration, but for once the stereotype I had in mind was pretty close to reality. At least as she practiced it.
Next I asked the obvious question, “does it work? Do the spells work?” She was unequivocal, “yes, all the time.”
As we talked more, I actually saw some commonality between witchcraft and other modes of spirituality. For one, spirituality is wonderful for facilitating personal transformation. Most of us want to change something about ourselves. Christians might pray for God to transform their hearts. Wiccans conduct rituals to do it through magic. It helps to call on some power beyond ourselves.
What was interesting though, is that she drifted away from Wicca over time, in favor of Catholicism. She found that while she was getting her wishes granted (the spells did what she wanted them to do), that when she handed her will over to God, that she got even better results than she could have known to ask for. God took better care of her than she could take care of herself. Surrender worked better than self-will, as it so often does. Even when that self-will is fortified by magic.
I think of it as the difference between “small magic” and “big magic.” Small magic asks for specific things, “help me get the promotion to manager.” Bigger magic says, “help me get a great job, with plenty of money, and work I enjoy.” You acknowledge that you might not currently have the knowledge or perspective to say which specific job you ought to get. You hand it over to God, or the universe, or to whatever higher power you prefer.
But in that same situation, the biggest magic of all says, “help me be the person I was meant to be. Help me have humility, compassion, wisdom, and courage. I don’t know what I’m here on Earth to learn. Please show me.”
You might think that would be the least powerful magic, but don’t confuse power for control. Control is always small, it is finite. In a contest of wills between you and the universe, you will lose. Always.
Worse still, when you try to control your fate, you make yourself more fragile. You become less willing to learn, adapt, and grow. You forgo the experiences that, while uncomfortable for your ego, would have made you more powerful.
Control is also exhausting. You are small, but the universe is large and complex. The further away you reach, the more variables and unknowns come into play. You become a smaller and smaller part of the equation. Your power decays exponentially as you move away from yourself.
Consider your own spouse or child. What part of their life do you represent? 20%? Is it even that high? Do they spend 20% of their time thinking about you, interacting with you? Of that time, how much is totally focused on you, as opposed to their own thoughts, feelings, and interpretations? If you wanted to run their whole life from within this sub-20% kingdom, how well could you do it? What would you have to neglect in your own life so that you have time and energy to obsess like that? Could you stop them from doing things you don’t want them to do? Could you make them do things your way, always?
Let’s say you succeeded. What joy is left in your relationship? Are there any fun surprises? Do you ever learn anything? Do you ever laugh? Do you have the capacity to sustain any other relationships at all, or is this one taking everything you have? Has micromanaging made anyone in this picture happier? Sure, your ego is satisfied, you now have someone else catering to your limited perception of what “good” behavior is.
But you still have to deal with the rest of the universe.
If life is anything, it is unpredictable. It is not wise to try and manage that chaos into a box, to force the universe to comply with our will. Our attempts at control are usually – and rightly – met with resistance and sabotage. The more we strive to expand our little empires in this way, the more pushback we receive. When we reach the limits of our effort, we cannot grow any further. Later, we become exhausted. The universe pushes back on our artificial borders, and takes back what never belonged to us.
Where can we find real power? In an attitude of humility. If we want to grow, we must be willing to learn. We must admit that we do not have all of the answers. As we grow in ourselves, we become influential. We learn how to have relationships based on mutuality and love. We stop micromanaging others, and focus on having good relationships with them. When we know ourselves and know others, we create room for opportunities.
Though we have little ability to bend the universe to our will, we have relatively more control over our own thoughts and actions. And this is the irony of it all. When we mind our own business, we are powerful. Not only powerful, but influential. We begin to affect the lives of those around us. This doesn’t come from control or manipulation, but through the consistency and quality with which we show up in our own lives. Our greatest impact comes through grace, not ego.
The divine joke of it all is that our ego is the one who wants this power in the first place. It sees power as a tool for protecting itself, for obviating the need for painful transformation. Yet, when we begin by discarding our egos, we are free to grow and change into the most powerful, secure versions of ourselves. As counterintuitive as that is, life works a lot better this way.